Thanks, Avril

My sister gave me a bunch of CDs a while back that she either was tired of or had already downloaded onto her ipod. Amongst them were a couple of Avril Lavigne albums, which I accepted because I’ve liked a few of her singles. Normally I wouldn’t go for the teeny-bop pop, but a few of Avril’s songs seem to have a little more depth to them. And she’s so skater-punk cute.

I didn’t even listen to the complete albums before ripping them onto my ipod (I’m in the process of putting everything on there, then I’ll delete whatever I don’t like later). This morning I put it on shuffle while getting ready for work. The sun was shining brightly into my bedroom, my blood was pumping after a brisk morning walk, and Jason Mraz’s No Stopping Us had me in a chipper mood. Avril came on next with this song, and its catchy melody quickly got stuck in my head. But then I started paying attention to the lyrics, and I had a revelation after hearing these lines:

“I feel so nervous… trying to be so perfect… ‘cause I know you’re worth it, you’re worth it.”

A silly grin came across my face. Because I was hearing those words, while doing lunges, after having taken a brisk morning walk. Because I’ve been inspired recently to be a better version of myself. By an incredible guy. Around whom I get totally tongue-tied and feel like a complete dork. Not because I think he’s utterly flawless and I’m not worthy. But because there’s something larger going on with him, and the knowledge that that is the kind of man I need to be with scares the hell out of me. There. I said it.

This guy has passion. Big passion. And ambition. And love. Conviction. Discipline. Intelligence. A fun sense of humor. Beauty. Adventure. And while the guys I’ve dated have each had pieces of these things, none of them have had the whole shebang. I’m not dating this guy… who knows if we’ll ever be more than friends. But I’m inspired by him, and through him, God has given me hope. And a swift kick in the pants.

Why have I attracted and been attracted to these other guys? I could psychoanalyze all day and blame it on my relationship with my dad, my parents’ divorce, blah, blah, blah. But at the end of the day, it comes down to what I believe about who I am. Do I believe that God has given me my dreams and passions for a reason, and that He truly desires for me to have an equal partner to live an incredible life with? Or do I think those dreams are fairy tales and those passions are just hobbies with which I’m killing time?

Am I playing about in the mud when God wants to give me a holiday at the sea?

In the moments when I’m around this guy (and all of the hours in between), the answer is a resounding YES. And it makes my insides quiver. So I’m exercising more. Eating better. Working hard and remembering why I love my work. Resting well and doing the other things I love—writing, singing, reading. Praying. Getting into the Word. Realizing that this feels strangely familiar… like how I’ve felt in the past when God has called me to embrace something that’s truly mine and it’s taken every ounce of strength and fight to do that. The kind of strength and fight that only comes through surrendering and believing that when I am weak, He is strong.

I know it’ll be worth it.