Hope can Hurt

Okay, now this is just ridiculous... it's almost been a month since I've written on here. Work really has been busy and/or the atmosphere not conducive to writing. But I've also been procrastinating, not looking forward to trying to start this thing up again after so many months of silence. It's the constant battle against my own high expectations... which brings me to my topic today. I'd like to share my response/reflections on the excerpt from "The Awakened Heart" (posted below). Two things immediately jumped out at me when I first read that excerpt: the idea of hope hurting, and the idea of hope being active.

Today, hope can hurt. "Expectation is brittle and can only be shored up by delusion, but hope is soft and willing to suffer pain."

When I first read this excerpt, I was hurting. I felt like I was at a crossroads I had visited more than once before -- standing before two road signs, if you will. One said, "I'll never do that again -- this way," and the other, "I'll stay open even though it hurts -- this way." I opened up Dr. May's book to the passage on hope and expectation, and my heart warmed and sank at the same time. I knew which path I had to take, and it wasn't going to be the familiar or easy one.

If I was going to let go of my long-held expectations and admit that I don't always know what's best for me... if I was going to stay open and have hope for what God wants to bring my way... it was going to hurt.

In life and even in the Christian walk, we're taught that hurting is bad. Sure, we say "No pain, no gain," but the underlying idea seems to be, "If there's any way you can get around the pain and still get the gain, then you've really succeeded." What has resulted in American culture and churches is an idol of efficiency and expectations. "Here are some rules for you to follow, some goals for you to meet, in order for you to achieve success and happiness." Needing help is a weakness. Showing pain is a weakness. Weakness is unacceptable. So we work ourselves ragged and build walls around our hearts, all in an attempt to deny or erase the very nature God gave us when He created Adam.

He made us to need Him. He wanted to make some creatures to enjoy and with whom He could have relationship, and He wanted them to have free will. But because He loved them so much, He wanted them to choose Him. How to help them along with that? Make them need Him. Mold the world in such a way that man will see God's provision everywhere and not want for anything but face-time with Him. Just like a loving daddy hoping that providing for his child will free the child to love him more... and just like children do, man found something else he thought he "needed," something that God seemed to be holding out of his reach. So he went for it, and forever separated himself from innocence and pure relationship with God.

God was so saddened by that division in His relationship with man that He decided to give even more in order to heal it. He would send His Son, who would come and live the life man could no longer live, then die the death God didn't want man to die. Only He wouldn't remain dead. Like hope rising from the rubble of dashed expectations, Jesus would rise and live in glory. Our eternal Hope.

My heart was built for beauty... for unblemished, unstained relationship with my Creator... for all the good things He would provide without my striving and toiling. A husband who would be an equal partner, instead of me feeling insecure and wanting. Children birthed with no pain, instead of agonizing labor. Beauty and wholeness instead of ugliness and brokenness constantly needing to be renewed. But because of sin, those things are no longer "givens." They are no longer facts of life, thus I cannot expect them. To do so is delusional, will cause cynicism and paranoia, a rigid and brittle heart.

It is not that God is holding out on me, but that He is still longing for face-time... for me to see that He still provides everything I really need. When I recognize Him as my Daddy who knows what's best for me and would never give me anything less, hope is birthed from my desire, instead of expectation. "Hope that will not disappoint." Hope that is soft, flexible, willing to suffer pain.

What a beautiful pain it is.